Twenty-three
By Visettimo
There comes a time in life when a person makes certain realizations about who they are,
and for once, see what it is that really matters.
I, for one, was never the type of person to be content with baseless answers.
I've always been discontented with just being enough, though I was never fully aware or have even acknowledged that state of mind.
Neither emotion, nor logic, nor rules, nor any limitations alone can hold me down and ground my reality. No amount of answers that were presented to me, led my pursuit of the truth to come to an end.
However, I'm also the type of person to be completely enthralled and be captivated by a single moment—brought down to my knees by the level of intensity and reason found within an instant.
And even then, I still have no idea which definition fits my identity. Am I just a lunatic? A black sheep? A delusional good-for-nothing loser who doesn’t want to accept the way things are? Or am I simply contradicting myself unintentionally, as someone who’s yet to scratch the surface of his being?
I mean, not only was I at constant odds with myself, expecting a different result in almost the same situation I ended up in, but I also don't know how to explain exactly where it all began for me that led to this incessant questioning of the way things are, or why I needed to ask these questions in the first place.
Am I just meant to be someone who’s different, or is this just another intended part of God's plan?
Or maybe, none of this really matters.
Who knows? Maybe trying to make sense of it in the first place is the wrong way to look at it. Life is already exhausting enough as it is, as someone who adamantly remembers and struggles to forget both painful and euphoric pieces of the past.
Maybe this is just who I am, and I’m meant to be this way. Someone who is never content, never satisfied, never relieved, never quenched—never truly understood. And maybe that's fine. Maybe, that's just how it is to be human. Maybe I've always known the reason why. I just didn't accept it for what it was then.
With each passing day, bit by bit, I gradually become more aware of where I stand. Even though it’s unlikely that I would ever come close to the whole picture, I'm glad to have at least uncovered a slice of the truth—a fragment closer to realizing myself as a person.
In the end, that's the only thing that really matters.
It isn't your choice where your end will be, but rather where you might end up.
Time is fleeting for us all. We will never know when it is time for us to go.
Only in the end do we realize that there's no inherent meaning to what we've done in our lives, yet we choose to live anyway and go about our lives—to make the most of what we have and smile in the face of the bleak, inevitable reality we will soon meet.
There's still so much to do. So much that this life entails, regardless of how grand or miniscule the reason or moments we make them to be.
As life is a series of decisions, death will bring it to a close and nothing will be left, but those who were a part of that life, and remembers what it meant for them.
Only by appreciating and remembering how precious a life is, do we truly cherish the time we have left and greet death with open arms when the time comes.
Alone, we can never fill in the gaps of what was left behind by the dead. So you mustn't do it alone. One can never “get over” the loss of a loved one. You will have to carry on with the fact that a part of you had died.
But even so, live. Wounds eventually heal and broken bones grow back, but things will never be the same as it was and you can never go back to the way it was. It doesn't have to be, and that's okay. Like a broken mirror, though scattered and scarred, one can still see glimpses of who they were, who they wanted to be, and what they are left with. These cracks alone give one perspective on how they will choose to be now—a more definite, albeit incomplete version, equipped with an accumulation of knowledge and experience to face life with.
Remember, you are never alone, though you will have to eventually get used to being so, for there will come a time when you will be. But that doesn't mean you will be unhappy for it.
Understanding what it means to be alone, one must first experience it, revel in it, come out of it being a better version of oneself, and still cherish and live amongst the company of others.
Learning to live alone, but not lonely. That may just be the first step to being content with yourself. And the sooner you feel comfortable and confident about yourself, the more you will see life in a brighter light without being blinded by it.
They say only time can tell whether the choices that a person made were certainly worth something. I say, time won’t ever tell you anything, just like death can come at any moment.
You just gotta keep living and you will come across it eventually, sooner or later.
Until then,
Take care. :>
