Dis life of mine

Written by: lumiere

To whom it may concern,
Numb.

I want to feel again!

— — — — — — — — — —
11/02/2023
It’s been a year since you went away. I’ll be graduating soon. Your favorite boy will finally get his diploma. I hope you’ll finally be proud wherever you are. I hope you’re in paradise, just like the place you always read to me before bed.
It’s hard, nay, I’m at a loss.
It’s hell nay, to live alone here in this still unfamiliar place.
Anyways, Mr. Downstairs is calling, and he says that we’ll be playing a game.
— — — — — — — — — — —
12/25/2023
She was cute, funny, intelligent, but innocent.
She loved this hellhole, I didn’t.
So, I looked for more.
I tried it once, twice, maybe ten times.
Mr. Downstairs said it would help, and it did. The pleasure was mesmerizing albeit a little fleeting.
I feel dirty now.
12/31/2023
We met again.
She forgave me.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — -
01/01/2024
New year, new me. I’ll work out, eat more, and turn my life around.
01/31/2024
All I’ve been doing is eating. My tummy is getting fat.
She told me it was okay.
Mr. Downstairs told me a technique to counter that. I guess I need to wash my fingers before I try it.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — —
02/14/2024
Mr. Downstairs told me to try everything the world has to offer. I used the money you left to go to this party tonight.
02/15/2024
I lost it all.
I paid for pleasure and fun.
I’ll get them back.
— — — — — — — — — — — -
03/26/2024
My hands hurt.
She saw them and left me bandages.
03/30/2024
I see them whenever I close my eyes.
I need to fix the wall soon; the blood will stain. She will not like it.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
04/17/2024
I tried going to church. For repentance. Mr. Downstairs was against it.
He was right, this faith is disgusting.
I felt nothing.
Nothing.
— — — — — — — — —
05/05/2024
Mr. Downstairs is increasingly getting worried about my numbness, so he asked me to play a game again. I tried to excuse myself because I’ll be seeing her later.
She canceled.
So, we played.
It was exhilarating. I felt alive. Mr. Downstairs was a fun competitor.
He’s relentless.
— — — — — — — — — — — — -
06/23/2024
I failed.
My subjects and myself.
She told me I did my best and that she sees me.
But I can’t see myself.
07/01/2024
Summer is ending. All I’ve been doing is dreaming of paradise.
Mr. Downstairs told me I’m a fake and that you’ll never be proud of me.
— — — — — — — — — — — — —

08/31/2024
It’s my birthday today. I’m finally 21. Yey!
Mr. Downstairs invited me to his house, we’ll be going there soon. He says that it’s way better than this hell hole. Paradise, as he calls it. I’m a little excited, but I worry about the time. I hope we don’t take too long.
We still have plans later.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
09/01/2024
An angel I thought to myself.
Her voice still echoes.
An angel preaching that she still believes in me.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — -
10/14/2024
White walls, white sheets, and pale vents.
Red apples, blue books, and purple hair.
She visits me every week and tells stories of my so-called hell.
She labels it as paradise, and she lights up whenever she tells.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

11/02/2024
It’s been two years since you left. It’s been almost a year since she and I met. She always tells this story just like the one you did. A story of paradise but… it’s quite different I guess. Her paradise has pain, and it’s the testament to living — a paradise that has loss but also new beginnings. A paradise seemingly devoid of meaning but hope keeps us dreaming.
It’s still hard, nay, but I see a path now.
I still see it as hellish nay, but I’m not alone here in this still unfamiliar place now.
Anyways, Mr. Downstairs is still around but an Angel keeps him way below the ground.