And on the Third Day [Entry 2: Grief]

Words by Solace

The fifth time around wasn’t as shocking.

Going through the same patterns of life just wasn’t that exciting anymore. Being born as a man for the first time was a feat in itself. Everything was different. They were more lenient, more tolerant of mistakes. I was envious, really, so I’ve decided to dedicate this lifetime to testing those limits. My parents were often not around anyway.

“Everything is gone, man.” Red puffy eyes greeted me, body slumped against a school desk at my left. “Just…how do you do it, Matthew? “

Consoling a broken-hearted man wasn’t on my list. Final examinations were done and we’re dismissed early. It was the best time to have fun. Instead, we were alone in the classroom after school hours.

“Look, Lucas…” I started, but my train of thought stopped when he pulled out a white handkerchief embroidered with white daisies and the letters: LDLC. I smiled despite my growing frustration. Lucas is one of the people I fully trust because he’d been brought up well. Not afraid of vulnerability, a true Mother’s boy. He’s not reckless, not a heartbreaker. He’s such a decent guy.

“Let’s hang out?” I finally muttered in the hopes of cheering him up. He shook his head in response which led me to sigh. “What happened?” I asked instead.

He started spilling out how his ex-girlfriend broke up with him to run off to some random guy at another university due to how serious he is with her. He bought flowers and food regularly which are accompanied with handwritten letters professing his love by describing how her smile made his day in various ways.Your typical college story. Really, it’s a shame.

At least he won’t remember it in the next life.

“How do you do it? Letting go so easily and be detached?” He asks again. I turned to him, his nose still red and runny from man-crying.

“I just do.” I said, not knowing how to console him. How could I possibly say that I was simply used to it? That whenever I mess up, I just try again. If ever not in that lifetime, then the next.

“Then maybe I should, too.”

My breath hitched. Feeling afraid for the second time ever. People change, but not that quickly, right?

He rose up from the desk and started fixing his things. His eyes looked hollow, a certain seriousness engraved in his expression. Nothing like the Lucas I knew before.

He finally agreed to let me take him out, and I was determined to cheer him up. I treated him everywhere. Food, console games, clothes and everything that I know would make a man happy. He would smile from time to time, but still maintained his aloofness.

Time to pull out my trump card, then.

“Come on, it’s starting!” Grabbing his hand, we ran inside the theater and found our seats, despite pieces of popcorn falling to the ground where it will be cleaned up by some underpaid janitor. His favorite comedy film was showing. He wouldn’t shut up about it in the past week.

Come back, please.

I didn’t watch the movie at all. Instead I would look for signs of smiles, laughs, snorts. Anything that would make me believe that everything will be fine. Later on, the twinkle in his eyes resurfaced, and it put me at ease.

“Oh no!” The main character shouted as he tripped and stumbled down the stairs. Everyone laughed. Of course, the classic slapstick. And it continued like that.

Then it was time to go home. He was still silent, but shoulders more upright than slumped. Eyes that were empty now alert to every traffic light and the passing cars as we wait by the pedestrian lane across his dorm.

I still offered to walk him home despite his refusal. And I still haven’t figured out why.

“I’m here.” I find him looking at me with regard, accompanied with a shy smile. “Thank you, Matt. I feel better now. Really, I’m glad that you’ve put up with me.”

“No, it’s not that.” Looking away, feeling guilt over my insensitivity earlier. “Just stay who you are, really.”

His gaze stayed on me, inquisitive.

“You know, it’s all on her right?” I tried my best not to stray from my usual character. He’s always been the loud, emotional one, while I’m introverted and rational. But he’s always stubborn about asking for help. “It’s not you at all.”

Lucas nodded slowly and I finally looked at him properly. Noticing how the collar of his white polo is untucked but always hidden underneath his cardigans. Remembering the way he laughs heartily at lame jokes, a sound that lifted the spirits of anyone who hears it. But most importantly, the way he does everything earnestly. Like how he courted that girl before.

“I get that. Don’t worry, Matt. See you tomorrow.”

He turned around without giving me a spare glance, leaving me to stare at the door with the cold breeze of the winter season. He must have been exhausted. I really hope it’s that.

Throughout the whole Christmas break, Lucas was nowhere to be found. No new posts nor texts. He left the country to go on a vacation with his parents and will return the day before school starts again. I spend my remaining time with my family too.

By the time I went back, I looked for him first. But he was gone.

No, it’s not that he transferred or we don’t speak to each other all of a sudden. It’s the opposite. He’s there, but he isn’t. He greeted me with a pat instead of his crushing hugs. He stood now with a strong presence, neatly dressed as I have seen so far. His figure became leaner and muscular. He smiled serenely, definitely not the goofy childlike ones we’ve shared, yet his eyes bore reluctance, as if quite wary of what’s to come.

He’s a different person now. As if the past ceased to exist.

When asked about his change he only said, “I don’t want to be like that anymore, and proceeded to continue on his business.

Our lives continued without any problems. All because of a broken heart, the Lucas I knew died and left no trace. No matter how much I want to knock some sense into him, I know that it is simply not my place. Everything that happened simply fell into place. We were both just trying to survive.

Till the end, I know I will remember Lucas for the rest of my lives. After all, he’s the only one who managed to live another life in one lifetime.